I believe in every persons life there is a time when we become stuck, waiting in the calm, a state of positive relativity in which we pause whilst  we let fate decide what is next to become of us. Ironically this has probably become the time in my life when I have been the most content.

In 2010, so much took place I can hardly recall the individual moments of despair but simply remember the feeling of utter emptiness. My heart became a pit of blackness and I lost everything that I had one known to mean the world to me.  I don’t think I had ever felt so alone in a world so full amazing beings. 

In terms of friendships, I haven’t so much ‘lost’ friends, but completely reevaluated their position in my life. I believe I have successfully erased all of the drama, although not left with much, what I do have I know is pure and worthy of my friendship. Essentially, I now have 3 people I know I can always count on, quality over quantity never meant so much to me. I will forever go above and beyond for them.

In October 2010 my Dad left my Mother for another woman after a 3month affair, which we found out about when it was announced to the world via Facebook.  I don’t think I’ve honestly ever felt more heartbroken. My Dad had always been my hero, and now he claims he was never happen in his 30 year marriage and no longer contacts his children who continue to love him despite his behaviour. The father I knew is now dead to me and the thought burns through my very core. I don’t know who he is anymore, no longer resembling the man he once was. That is all I have to say on that.

With the above my whole world has changed, our family home was sold to a young polish family and I have moved back in with my Mother, my sister and my brother to a rented house which is local to Mum’s and my sisters workplace. I have isolated myself from the world in order to protect myself but I’ve never needed anything more and I’ve never been so selfish. I no longer hang out or go drinking with friends like I used to. It is so hard to trust anyone or just to have a conversation with someone when the world you live in has become so cold.

I am working on it though, I need to reassure myself that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of me, I am the only one who can do that and to have that confidence would truly be a blessing. I am learning slowly, I am happy, I am content, I have so much to look forward to. I am waiting for the calm to subside, ready for the storm to pick me up and whisk me away on my next crazy journey.

To be honest, the recent peace and quiet has been a blessing. 

xSx    

I did some workings out today after my boss told me I am not allowed Friday off... tomorrow I am working 7:30 to 23:30 away from home (not included travel time).

• I am contracted to work 56hours a week - 8hours a day, 5days a week
• I get £14,000 a year
• I don't get paid a bonus
• I don't get paid for any overtime I do
• I am owed 46 hours since January - not including my 12hour Tues and 16hour thurs this week (12hours owed)
• I work 13-16 hour shifts and I am still expected to be at my desk at 9am the next morning
• I get paid an average of £4.90 an hour... I was on £6.60 at Tesco

I love my job but I am exhausted... this is ridiculous.

Thats all today x